sarah.e.knepper :: chasing the holiday at the sea

For the first time in my life, I own a pair of glasses that I love. That I will wear. Other than at nighttime. And that don’t have packing tape holding them together….

Yay.

America here I am. I landed last night around 10 and got home around 1.30 this morning … and promptly stayed awake until 4 in the morning. Darn jetlag.

Now I’m awake, with a jetlag headache, and feeling rather displaced.

I was fine. Totally fine. Until I got to the immigration gate. And I had to say goodbye. A hug and ‘I’ll really miss you.’ … nope. Too much. Can’t do it. Instantly I was a wreck. And couldn’t get it together.

Honestly, I knew it would be hard. But not that hard. I made one of the best friends of my life in Thailand, and I hate that I have to walk away from that. I know we’re looking forward to new and exciting things, and that those things take us down different paths for now. I also know we’ll stay in touch, that it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning, blah blah blah.

Doesn’t make it less sad though.

I’m itching for Barnabas to start I suppose. Ready for a new challenge, a new adventure, and something to get my mind off of what I left behind.

All that said, I love being with my family. I love picking up the phone and calling people I haven’t been able to talk to except via computer for the past 4 months. I love sitting on the couch, eating leftovers out of the fridge, sleeping without ac blowing on me, driving. Mm America. You are good to me.

So. Call me. Unless you live in Thailand.

Cheesy (i have never known how to spell that word) I know, but the first few lines are so true for me right now. I am leaving on a jet plane and I don’t know when I’ll be back again.

And it is one of those moments where my heart is completely, totally torn in half. I cannot wait to go home - to family, to Barnabas, to friends - I miss that life. I get to return to it in 5 days.

But, particularly since Christmas, I have started to adore this place - the press of a huge city, the noises & smells, the crazy things that are always happening, the people, especially my friends, the food, my students - and I’m sad. Literally, it feels, broken-hearted.

Talking to my mom this week I was reminded how I live so much in the moment: that while I’m here, this life means everything to me. And as painful as it will be to leave behind, once I get home, I will be entirely in the moment there, loving what I’m surrounded by. I guess this is a good thing? It makes decision-making difficult, as it’s hard for my heart to think beyond my surroundings …

Anyways. I know I’ve been terrible at communicating to you all in the States - I got wrapped up here. But, I’m coming home. Wednesday. Call me or something. Get my mind off the fact that I’ll have just left my new home.

Cheers.

For my whole life I have heard the story from Genesis 1: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, etc etc, 6 days, light, sky, plants, land, sea, sun, moon, stars, fish, birds, animals, man, DONE. Rest. Tada.

The idea of evolution never bothered me - clearly it’s just not true. The earth is billions of years old? Come on. Be serious. I heard the number 10,000 years at some point - a youth conference or college course or something - and held it as gospel truth. If godly, intelligent (and Grace Brethren!) men believe it, good enough for me.

Recently I’ve been studying all of this for a variety of reasons:
1. Driscoll’s sermon series “Doctrine”, was on creation last week.
2. Bobby the physicist. We debate science and Scripture a lot.
3. Reading ‘A Brief History of Time’, by Stephen Hawking. Sorting through facts.

My ideas are being challenged, and my beliefs may be changing. Hear me out before you panic and call an exorcist or something.

There are lots of different ideas, within the Christian community, about how creation actually went down. Some hold to literal 24-hour days and a young earth (6-10 thousand years), some believe the gap theory (the world was created, destroyed, created again), some believe the earth is old (billions of years) but people are young (6-10 thousand years), some believe God started things and let evolution take its course.

Until last week I would have said i was a 24-hour days, young earth believer. But I’m feeling compelled in a different direction. There is a lot of science that can date the earth older than 10000 years. (Sidenote: I know there is a belief that God created the earth old already. Valid. Could be.) I am not a biologist or geologist, but I have been reading — dating is pretty accurate. The earth is (or appears) really old.

And then as I listened to Driscoll’s sermon, I was taken to Scripture:
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there by light.’…” (Genesis 1.1-3)

Scripture tells us that God created the world. And it was without form and dark and watery. And THEN God starts his 6 day creation. Between these 2 things (the creation of the formless blob of earth, and the creation of the refined details), some time elapses. And we have no idea how much time. Could have been moments, could have been billions of years.

Driscoll gives this illustration (that he used with his 6 year old son): A house is ‘built’. It is clearly in existence for some time, maybe even a few years, as a shell of a house. To be inhabitable (is that a word?), the plumbing needs connected, the electricity wired, paint and carpet and windows and furniture, and finally people can come to stay. In the same way, God ‘created’ the world. It sat for a while, dark and uninhabitable, until God did the 6 day creation (for inhabitation) of light, plants, land, animals, and finally, people.

So I’d say that I’m considering the old earth, young people model. I never thought I’d say the earth might be billions of years old. Huh.

This probably sounds scattered and half-baked. It is, for me, really. This is a new thought for me. But I’m willing to entertain it. I am also willing to admit that these are interpretations, as the Bible is somewhat ambiguous on the time frame here. I suppose really for me I’m learning that it is Biblical plausible that the earth is old. Really old. And if that is true, it doesn’t change anything about the truth of Scripture or the character of God.

I just don’t want to be a follower of Jesus who blindly believes interpretations and ideas (which are not explicit in Scripture), especially if there is physical evidence that points otherwise. Scripture will always be my highest authority, but God also gave general revelation through nature and a brain. I intend to use both. For I have learned this year that ignoring widely accepted ideas in a field (i.e. science) without good reason makes me (a Christian) look like an uneducated, naive fool. Not that popular=true. But we should be discerning and wise, and use Scripture, not just what we’ve always heard from a pastor, teacher, or parent.

But do not hear me wrong: God did create the world. Evolution, the big bang, random happenstance - none of these are ideas I am toying with. God is still God, creation certainly happened, the Bible is wholly true.

Thoughts? Comments? I’d suggest you check some of this stuff on your own. It is really interesting.

Driscoll’s sermon & Q&A session (he’ll be posting the new sermon soon, so be sure to click on the “Creation: God Makes” session.)
Hugh Ross. This guy also seems to believe in the Big Bang (to some extent), however he does believe in creation by God. I’m just digging into him. He’s got a wealth of links and articles and resources. He’s a ph.d. in astronomy, with a degree in physics.

This is the week of Songkran, the Thai new year. This is fun and exciting for a few reasons:
1. No school for a whole week!
2. We’re taking the opportunity to head to the deep south and spend some time on an island. I’m planning on lots of sun and swimming. My Thai friends are planning on staying in the shade so they don’t get dark.
3. SONGKRAN WATER FESTIVAL! Thais celebrate their new year by shutting everything down and throwing water all over everyone. It is … unreal. We went out to experience it this weekend - people walk around with waterguns, buckets, water bottles, and bowls of powder paste. If you are outside, you are fair game. Walking down the street, riding in taxis or on motorbikes, on the bus, eating in a roadside restaurant - you WILL get wet and covered in powder. I have no pictures of us as of yet (KJ took some that I have yet to get from him), but here’s a random google one so you get an idea of what life is like here at the moment:

Does anyone know why Thailand celebrates its new year now, and why we are in year 2551 (its not too often you see the year 2008 around here)? I’ll bring back Thai goodies to whoever knows…

This is reason number 173 why Thailand is a great place to live.

So let me just be honest.
I have no idea what I’m doing in life.
haha. No but seriously…

I move home in May and have some time to catch up with family and friends before starting a new summer of Operation Barnabas.
Then in August ….. mm well ….
Like I said, I have no idea what I’m doing in life.

There are a few possibilities (which range from the very likely to the laugh-out-loud-hilarious, but I’ll let you determine which is which):
1. Move to Columbus. Obtain some as-of-yet-unknown-job
2. Hike the Way of St. James
3. Move back to Thailand and teach at TCS for one more year
4. Reunite with my roommate from the infamous alamo — in Cincinnati this time. Work … somewhere
5. Join a church planting effort in Virginia. Work … somewhere … (this is becoming a theme)
6. Head to New York to get involved in a musical. (I have always wanted to do this)
7. Go to Seattle. Work at Starbucks. Drink Starbucks. Go to Mars Hill Church. Perfect.
8. Attend Eternity Bible College and Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley. Be BFFs with Francis Chan and Todd Nighswonger. Volunteer with Invisible Children?
9. Cave in. Get a math job. Won’t matter where because I will likely hate life.

There it is. The uncertainly of my life spelled out. Opinions?

In case you are unfamiliar with the phrase, here is the inspiration.

“If you asked twenty men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love. The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to the desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desire, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

(c.s. lewis, ‘the weight of glory’)

This passage will convict and overwhelm me til the day I die. And it also makes me so, so excited. Because our God is … amazing. He is so big, so full of so much love and life and adventure and goodness and glory and mercy and … wow. And he wants us to desire those things through relationship with him, to pursue them, to enjoy them. What a great God we serve.

I suppose this idea is foundational as I make life choices, as I want my life to be a continual pursuit of the ‘holiday at the sea’. I find sometimes people think this is crazy, or childish, or ignorant. I don’t think so. I want to suck the marrow out of life, and hear the Lord’s pleasure when I finally see his face.

My good friend Bobby is an aspiring filmmaker. However, since he is also currently a teacher in Thailand, he’s stuck with his co-teachers as actors.

So, we’re making a movie!

It’s fun, but it’s really weird to have a camera shoved in your face while you’re trying to act. It’s also difficult to get the timing right for two people to ‘accidentally bump into each other’ around a corner. There must be 19 shots of Shaun and I walking right past each other.

The movie is (currently) titled ‘Games’. I don’t want to spoil it for you (as I know you’re all anxiously awaiting its international release), so I won’t tell you what happens. (Besides the fact that it’s undergone 3 major re-writes already…) Hopefully I’ll return to the States with a copy in hand.

Oh Thailand, what funny opportunities you have afforded me.

Today I felt real pain as I spoke to a close friend… He does not believe that Jehovah God exists, nor does he understand how to justify such an existance in the face of ’scientific evidence’ …. as we talked, he wasn’t belligerent or malicious, just honest. He sincerely asked me to see things through his eyes, to understand what huge leaps of faith my beliefs demand, to admit the difficulty of the narrowness of my faith. And I felt tears in my eyes, because at that moment I knew I would do anything, anything, to open his eyes to truth. Yet until the Lord chooses to reveal himself and awaken his heart to truth and life, he will be literally unable to believe.

I don’t question God’s goodness or mercy or love in this situation. I believe with all my heart that God is in control and that he uses each one of us for his glory, which is THE most important thing. Regardless of my friend’s beliefs now, I have faith that God can and will cover him with his great saving grace. I pray to that end daily. But even if God chooses not to, he is still a good God. This is hard for some to understand I guess, but I know it deeply.

It still hurts though, to watch someone live in darkness, so blind that he doesn’t even know he’s in darkness.

Living these past 8 months in Bangkok has been mostly for the purpose of this friendship. And not simply that I could voice the gospel to him, but that God would change my selfish heart, and teach me to love and ache for those who do not know the one true God. To teach me to be faithful in praying earnestly for his salvation, and in sharing biblical truth.

The thought of moving home in a month is hard to deal with at the moment.
Yet, again, I know that God is faithful.

so i am eons behind (yep, still have a xanga). but i finally got me one of these. once i figure out all the ins and outs i’ll write something worthwhile. til then, youth conference was good and i leave for thailand on thursday.